Cold feet! Feeling like a first time mom all over again ..

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I’ve been sitting on the floor of my empty guest bedroom staring at my feet and these pretty pink PJs! They certainly don’t seem to have the ability to warm my now freezing cold feet! Someone once told me that there’s a top 10 or top 100 list of stressful things that could happen to someone in a year. While we are staying clear of many of the catastrophic ones, as a family, we seem to have special affinity for these kinds of things to hit us in one go. 2010 – it was baby, buy a house, move, go back to work after maternity of 6 weeks while in the middle of the move and a few other things (with exactly 1 friend by our side helping us through all of it). 2.5 years later, 2013 Jan – we seem to be going through the same thing. I am quitting my job, starting up a company with my husband, while he builds 2 of his other companies, moving them and us to India, to a new city – Bangalore (where we didn’t grow up or know much about!) and to top it all my daughter will turn 3 in a few months, ready for school in India. Someone tell me I did not screw this one up!!! Talk about cold feet!

I am leaving behind some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life. I remember the raw cut 21 year old that arrived in this country exactly 10 years ago at a grad school in Pitt. I remember how lost I was, how excited I was. But I was young enough to brave it. Blind and bold. Every single person here taught me something. I just told a friend on the phone a few mins ago that I feel domesticated, tamed, grown! And I can say for sure that I wouldn’t have been had I stayed back home and not traveled as much as I have. And now I’m not only sad to leave all of this behind, I am soaked in self doubt. With everything that has happened in Delhi this past month, I am not sure this is the best place for my daughter to grow up in. I hear nightmare stories of hiring and a high turnover with employees. A startup in such an environment could be anything but healthy or successful. I am not worried about accidentally missing a stop sign somewhere, I am worried about walking on the road without being hit by a car, leave alone drive one myself. Did I screw this one up!??!

I try hard not to answer the question – why are you going back? The answer really is I DON’T KNOW. It’s the standard set of things so it doesn’t mean much. I’m just trying something different. Normal is my life here in CA. India is certainly different than what it was a decade ago. I always wanted to go back home, give something back, have my daughter enjoy the things I loved about the country, enjoy my parents and relatives as much as she can, take advantage of the growing economy, do some innovative things for the market there … A 1000 people do this every year am sure, just like women around the world that have babies – it’s cool, nothing new for everyone else. But for the mom – it’s life changing, body changing, nerve racking, heart wrenching … I feel the same way. I feel like a new mom, all the doubts, fears, excitement, joy … Did I also mention that I feel I maybe menopausal!! I am happy one moment, depressed another and filled with hot & cold flashes. Oh I can think of many many other analogies .. I think I better stop.

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